Ladies, sometimes WE are wrong.

So I'm sitting in Starbucks this morning reading the paper.  Next to me are two women chatting it up.  I suppose they needed an audience with how loud they were talking - sooooo annoying.  Just because we're in the same place, we don't need to be listening to your shit.  

They start talking about shopping.  Of course, well-to-do area + women = shopping.  Alright, but it's NOT ok to hide it from your spouse.  Apparently, it's hilarious to hide it in the trunk of the car until he goes to work the next morning or just cut the tags off.  Then, brace yourself for the bill.  "I know what day it comes, so I'm prepared."  Ladies, what the fuck are you thinking?  Somehow it doesn't seem to make sense to actually create a fight with your spouse a month ahead of time.  You really have nothing better to do.

Maybe this is what's wrong with our society.  All women talk about is that they don't want to "mother" their husbands.  Newsflash  - they don't want to "parent" our asses either.  I believe you have an obligation to your family, not just your spouse, to understand your finances.  It becomes easy to pass it off to one partner, but you're just creating conflict.

I'm the first to say that I LOVE NICE THINGS.  Would I spend what we don't have?  NO.  If you're a homemaker, and for some that term is used loosely, you need to be fiscally responsible.  Make no mistake on what I'm saying - you shouldn't need permission to spend.  If you're both adults, act that way, it can actually be very attractive.

My father has always told me that,"Women give men too much credit, our minds are much simpler." The last thing they want is to fight with us.  I've come to realize over the years that this is very true.  Dad has taken my crying calls after an argument with Sopes and his response if usually the same, "Kel, you're over analyzing the situation".  I know that if my husband's stomach is full, he is "getting it" on a regular basis and the bills are paid he's a happy man.  Men don't really care about the latest shoe; they act like they do to make us happy.  

In the lifestyle that we live, it's hard sometimes to explain to our children that they can't have everything.  Sopes and I tell them, "We don't have the money right now," when they ask for unnecessary things.  Teaching them that it's beneficial to work for things and the difference between "wants" and "needs" will only help them in the future.  How the hell can you teach them about this if you're not following your own advice?

I'm interested to hear your perspectives on this.  What's your opinion?

Comments

[Blinkfink182]

Kudos to you Kelly. That's the type of attitude men find attractive: Perspective, introspection, intelligence and a grasp of reality.

Absolutely, you do NOT need permission to spend money. If you're irresponsible about it (like, I don't know, hiding purchases from your spouse just for giggles), then you get cut off and you then ask permission. And people wonder why finances are one of (if not THE) biggest cause for divorce/arguments/etc.

And you're right, as a guy, we are very simple. Yes, if you have a good guy, he'll pretend to care about the newest shoes that are out and he'll be okay with you buying them (if it's in the budget). We take things at face value and we don't play games with you. If we say something, we mean what we say, there's no hidden message in between the lines.

Having your type of perspective and attitude will (and I'm sure has) served your marriage well. Stay strong with the long distance. :)

[Blinkfink182]

Kudos to you Kelly. That's the type of attitude men find attractive: Perspective, introspection, intelligence and a grasp of reality.

Absolutely, you do NOT need permission to spend money. If you're irresponsible about it (like, I don't know, hiding purchases from your spouse just for giggles), then you get cut off and you then ask permission. And people wonder why finances are one of (if not THE) biggest cause for divorce/arguments/etc.

And you're right, as a guy, we are very simple. Yes, if you have a good guy, he'll pretend to care about the newest shoes that are out and he'll be okay with you buying them (if it's in the budget). We take things at face value and we don't play games with you. If we say something, we mean what we say, there's no hidden message in between the lines.

Having your type of perspective and attitude will (and I'm sure has) served your marriage well. Stay strong with the long distance. :)

[Maureen Locklund]

Teaching the kids the right thing is the MOST important lesson here. There are way too many kids out there who feel as if they are entitled to things, a sentiment that is obviously learned at home. I love your blog and the fact that you tell it like it is!!

[AshleyVC88]

I completely agree with you. Wants and needs are different.

My family is currently going through this with my 14 year old niece. She lives with my mother (her grandmother) rather than her parents so now things are a little bit more comfortable than before. She gets spoiled now (compared to how things were), no one can deny this, but we're also trying to teach her that OCCASIONAL wants are okay to have AS LONG AS your needs are taken care of. If there is food on the table, bills are paid, a roof over your head, and everyone is as happy as the day will allow, then yes, getting a new pair of shoes (for example) is acceptable. She originally abused this mentality (bugging and nagging until someone gives in just to make her be quiet) so she now has chores that she gets an allowance for ONLY if she does the work. If she doesn't, the money stays with my mom. If she doesn't get her allowance, she doesn't have money for the trips to the mall that she just HAS to go on with her friends.

Its all about teaching them (the children) responsibility and decision making. I think you and Brent are doing a great job with teaching your children this.

[Micahsussman]

As a guy, and someone who doesn't like spending money unnecessarily (though I will admit, I do buy the occasional man-toy), I am really glad to hear that you get it. Men don't care about what you buy, or when you buy it, or whatever. We care about being in the loop. We want to be aware of where the money is going.

I am also glad to hear that you and Sopes don't spoil your kids rotten. A little spoiling is always a good thing, but you guys seem to have it down to an art. I grew up in a family that had money, but I never knew that until my parents divorced and all that stuff got out. The fact of the matter is that we were taught not to go spending willy nilly. Just because the money is there doesn't mean it has to be spent. If that were the case, my parents wouldn't have been able to put 3 kids through college and take us on trips all over the world.

All in all, frivolous spend: bad idea. Not telling your partner: Even worse idea.

[Coles83]

In my opinion, the only reason someone would hide something is because they know it's wrong. Hearing things like this, makes me realize it is no surprise that 50% of marriages end up in divorce. These women are extremely selfish and probably need to visit with an addiction specialist. Just think about what they are teaching their children. I grew up in a family with money. You would never know it though. I worked part-time jobs from when I was 14 on. My mom said if I wanted the expensive, trendy jeans, I would have to buy them myself. My parents did an awesome job of teaching me the value of the dollar. I figure skated competitively, and coached on the side to pay for part of it myself. I also paid for my university education...all seven years...myself (something I'm extremely proud of). I am so happy that my parents didn't give me everything I wanted, it made me the person I am today. And the lessons I learned and the responsibility of earning my own money, taught me to value the things I bought with it. Sometimes saying no is a necessary evil...and your children (although maybe not now) will totally appreciate this as they get older. You sounds like great parents!

[Godsendjen]

Those women are an embarassment to our gender. It is just as bad as my single friends who are looking for a date to "sponsor" them when they want to go to a nice resturant or a game. I was raised knowing how to budget, understanding good debt vs. bad debt, the importance of emergency funds and to be responsible for myself. It's a simple concept and I have no idea why so many women just don't get it.

[Amylpiper]

Love what you had to say here. I grew up extremely poor in inner-city LA. We hardly had enough food for everyone and most nights you went to bed hungry. Fast forward to a couple years ago and I finally got a great break- a well paying job. I finally made it! Well, that came to an abrupt end and I was was 7 months preganant with a new house and a new car. For the first time in my life I felt like a million dollars just to see it all end. We had over spent and had all the 'things' we wanted. Anyhow, I am very happy about my misfortune b/c it brought me back to the basics. Family. My daughters and my husband mean the world to me and though I love the finer things in life, I wouldn't change what happened. I would not be home watching my girls grow (though sometimes I wish I was working) and wouldn't know the joy (and frustration) they bring to me every day. The only real treat we have anymore are our season tickets to the Thrashers. We met at a game and will continue to go until we no longer can afford it. Keeping kids humble and not giving in to everything they want is a great way to teach them. Kudos for not being one of 'those' women. Bleh.

[Karla garrow]

First I have to commend you and your husband on this blog as well as Sopes video blog. I love it! It's so cool to see inside the lives of players and their families. I'm a huge hockey fan, wife and mother. I hope your family continues to provide us with insight . I hope The haters don't discourage what you are doing. Keep the words of wisdom coming and thanks for sharing! I truely believe that the secret to a healthy marriage and family are honesty, communication and respect. Regardless of our financial situation, it's important to teach our kids what's really important in life and that "stuff" really doesn't define who we are as people. Thanks again for this and I look forward to your next post!

[Anissa]

Oh, Kelly. Please don't even get me started about the women in our area. There's one who constantly complains that her house is so small (it is), but then spends tons of money at trunk shows at the boutiques in town just to maintain the appearance of having money. News flash- if you didn't spend so much on your wardrobe, you just might be able to afford a larger home. And then there's all the gals who equate designer wardrobes with class. I'll tell you something.... you can suit up a monkey in Prada, but it's still just a monkey! Some of these women are out of control, and I think their husbands would die if they knew exactly how much they were spending on clothing, nail services, massages, yoga classes, hair appointments, etc.

[Jengregory66]

Well said, Kelly. Marriage isn't a game. Maintaining a household and parenting children isn't a game either. As you have so eloquently pointed out, all of those things require planning, hard work, compromise, and good communication. I've never understood the 'buying and hiding from the spouse' thing. It is very 1960's tv sitcom-ish. This is a whole new era where women and men have equal responsibility and blame. It sounds like you and Brent have got your shit together. Keep up the good work (and we all know it is work!).

[HockeyBroad]

Finances are something that should never be a game in a relationship! Trust is so tough to earn and so easily broken.

Your point for "wants" vs "needs" is always a tough lesson for kids to learn, especially when these days when most monetary transactions are plastic so there really is no perception of money actually changing hands. It's hard to relate the labor done to the money to the final product, when ta-da, in the click of a button you get what you want and two days later, it shows up at your door; or with the swipe of a card you get to go home with what you want. As a kid, the concept of "need" is too tightly wound into "want" ("but Mooooommm I'm gonna diiiiiiiie without this." "No, you won't, trust me."). Absolutely never too young to learn what a budget is, and how to handle money and set goals and save up for them!

[Scrumungen]

As someone who was married to a man who used to hide purchases... I wonder if these women understand its always found out! People who do that are more then irresponsible.. they are down right CLUELESS! What a bad example they must be teaching their childred...

I applaud you and Brent for being responsilbe parents and showing your children that wants and needs are different. Its sad that that is lost on so many children who have no grown up to adults and think that instant gratification is what matters.

[Karen3724]

It all comes down to a very simple choice: What matters more to you--the new dress or your husband?

When someone begins to hide purchases (especially to then use it as a topic of giggles with their friends from their spouse, they are declaring which they value more.

I somehow doubt, though, that a new pair of shoes can kiss you first thing in the morning and hold you tight each night.

[Missmjanelle]

As all have said before me, you are absolutely right Kelly. These women are jeopardizing their relationships with their partners over material WANTS not needs. Telling children, as you do, that we can't always have the things we want, is important. I know growing up there were lots of items I wanted that my family couldn't afford or were completely unnecessary and as such, they weren't bought. As I got older though, because of these lessons, I learned to have a strong value for money and to really work for things I wanted. Sometimes the delayed gratification is worth it because with the item, you get a sense of accomplishment. I don't know if your kids get any form of allowance or savings money, but I used to save my allowance for things I wanted, and that way my parents were able to start giving me responsibility for "wants" and "can't affords" fairly early on!

[Tinyjinny]

There had been a similar discussion not too long ago on teaching finance to the next generation in a forum I frequent. One comment that struck me was one woman who said her parents talked about handling money responsibly, but never let her siblings and her see how they handled money (i.e. the bill paying and budgeting process), and how the lack of demonstration left her without a clue about handling money when she was on her own.

Another thing that flabbergasts me is how some people use credit cards to buy things with money they don't have in the bank. There is no guarantee that you'll get paid on time or that you'll have your job in the amount of time it take to pay off that expensive purchase, these days. One of the best pieces of advice my mom told me was to always pay off your monthly bill in full - then you avoid interest and fees (and seeing the fine print these days, I'm glad I listened!).

Because computers are accessible to your kids, consider eventually teaching them how to use the formulas and color formatting in a spreadsheet program like MS Excel to keep track of their money (the options usually have a standard for currency, and even the option to have negative numbers always show up in red). That way they can see pretty easily the impact of putting in a 'paycheck' and how expenses can add up.

[KT]

I've been following your blog for a couple weeks, but held off on commenting until now. I totally agree with this post - both the idea of being financially responsible and the concept of not picking unnecessary fights. I also enjoy having nice things and fun trips, but I have to work for them and sometimes I have to save up, wait, or just plain learn somehow to live without. And if I loved a guy enough to marry him, why would I be less than honest about how I spent my money? Craziness. I would include "not fighting" in the happiness list, and happiness will always trump things!

[Abeedbawa]

I agree with you, Kelly. And this is something my wife and I have been arguing about. Money has been tighter in our family due to the recession. We're doing okay though. My wife wants us to spend $100 per child for xmas. We have 3 kids aged 3,5, and 7. If the kids ever took pride in their stuff and took care of them, I'd have no problem dishing out the money. But our kids are very destructive. Usually, their Christmas presents get destroyed by New Year's. By valentine's day it's on the curb waiting for mr. garbage man. To her, she wants the kids to be happy on Christmas. I do too, but with cheaper gifts. Last year, I spent $25 and it was wasted money. I don't know why she wants us to up the ante when the same results will occur. Until the kids are ready to treat their possessions with respect, I refuse to spend money unnecessarily.